What happened to my glowing face of motherhood?
I think I am going to call it the six-week slump.
After 24 hours of constant feeding, increased fussiness and 2 uncharacteristically restless nights, I am convinced we are in the middle of the six-week growth spurt. Either that or Elena is revolting from a 10 day stretch of visitors. I am sure that both a growth spurt and a revolving door of visitors can be upsetting to her, because it certainly is to her mother. After a tough 48 hours, she did reward her mom with an almost 5 hour stretch of sleep last night, so I am hopeful that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. At some point, the growth spurt has to stop and tomorrow will mark our first night of no guests, so hopefully we are turning a corner.
Unfortunately, Elena's increased fussiness has coincided with a bit of a down temperament for her mother. I am not sure if the happy hormones from breastfeeding are wearing off, if I am overtired or if I am just in need of a break - but I have also had a tough 48 hours. Visitors are hard, having your body in constant demand is hard and going through a few sleepless nights (when you are used to having an awesome sleeper of a baby) is all hard. I feel bad even saying anything, because I feel like it is not necessarily a mentality shared by all moms, or certainly expressed by all moms - but there are some tough emotions that come with being a mom. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But I also love myself, the person that I was and the person that I hope to become again sometime soon.
I miss my old body, I miss sleep and I miss being able to have my own sense of self outside of my lovely child. I seem to be going through a period of wondering if I will ever recover some sense of my own self. I know it will always be different, but I hope I get to the point where I can put some of my needs at least on the same playing field as my daughter. I always put her first, and always will. But I hope that I can at some point go to the bathroom when I have to, get a shower in when I want to and maybe even just get some me time to go to the gym, get a pedicure, or grab a glass of wine with a good friend. Even typing this, I feel guilty, a true testament to that I am a mom. But I truly think that I will be a better mother, role model and woman for my daughter when I get to the point that I am more than just a feeding, changing and comforting machine. I love our cuddle times, I love her dependence on me, but it is sometimes overwhelming. I know it is all a balancing act and that I will figure it out, but I also reserve the right to mourn the loss of a bit of my old self, to celebrate the new mom I have become, and to be a bit dumbstruck by the whole process.
She makes it all worth it though
I so want to reach through the computer and give you a hug! I felt the exact same way with Addy - at some point the euphoria of a new baby wears off a bit and reveals the sleep deprivation, exhaustion and sacrifice of a new mom. This is my suggestion, but you have to do what feels right to you. At 4 weeks, I started occasionally pumping and giving Addy a bottle. That way, if I wanted to go out for dinner with friends or hit the gym, Joey could easily stay home and feed her. There were no nipple confusion issues, and it provided just enough of a sense of freedom to make me feel more like my old self. It's hard to give up all the independence you had pre-baby, and getting out of the house sans baby can be just enough to remind you of who you were before Elena came and help you mesh the old Becca with the new one. I promise, all of the sudden those 2 sides of you meld, and you, as a mother and all the things you used to be (and still are), gels into one person. Love you, Hun!
ReplyDeletesHIT! i just wrote you this great comment then the computer deleted it....i don't have the strength to write it again...here's the shortened version...i'll call you for the longer version:
ReplyDelete1. your feelings are TOTALLY normal and every mama has felt and written about the same thing (check out mamahood blog entry Feb. 2, 2010)
2. a lot of your exhaustion and overwhelmed at this point probably comes from finally being able to relax from 2 grueling weeks of visitors....that, my friend, was crazy....necessary, but crazy....hahaha...i'm glad you survived all in one piece...that in itself is an amazing testament to you.
3. you are an amazing mama. feeling guilty, i have found, is a part of the mamahood package (although i am really trying to limit that lately)....but please do know that you are doing an AWESOME job and it shows.
4. when you are ready for a night out, give me a call. it will definitely restore a sense of self and although i can't promise i will drink wine with you, i will drool over yours.
5. for me, i started to finally "meld", like Liz put it, around 4 months -- so hang in there -- you, too, will start to put former becca and mama becca together to feel more peaceful...
6. there are still times when i feel disconnected and wonder if i can just "return" my little ones for a few days to "re-group"...so, that suffices to say, you are right on track!
7. hang in there. i love you!
So I just wrote a lengthy blog entry quoting a book I am reading - the woman is talking about "real moms" and I think you'd enjoy it - check it out on my blog entry April 30th....
ReplyDeleteI love you tons, Becca, and you have my 100% support. It's hard having guests for 10 days even if you DON'T have a baby!! I will leave the mom advice to the actual moms, but I do know that you will find your balance again. We're all here to support you and love you. Elena is so lucky to have a mom who loves her so much, and who cares so much about the values and life you're giving her. And I know Chris feels lucky, because he's told me so himself.
ReplyDelete"Hang in there" doesn't sound like particularly helpful advice to give right now, but I know you'll make it through this tough patch, for all the wonderful times ahead not only with Elena and your family, but also socially, professionally and "none of the above" (that amazing little bit of alone time which will return, I promise!)
A huge hug (and definitely a glass of wine between us two girls) is waiting for you on my next trip to Chicago!!
Xoxoxo Beth