Back to Work

Well, the day that has loomed on the horizon for what seemed like forever is actually here.



I am heading back to work tomorrow and while I have known this time was coming, I am not sure how I am coping with it. Before Elena came, I didn't think this would be so hard. I thought "of course I will want to work" and that "I have to go back". Now that the day is looming, there are all sorts of mixed thoughts and emotions.

There is a part of my that is excited to rediscover myself outside of just the role of "mom" as I have been known/operated for the last few months. That excited part of me is looking forward to adult interaction, wants to use her brain and is anticipating being able to go out to lunch without being totally distracted during a meal. Little things like going to the bathroom without worrying about caretaking responsibilities even seem attractive at times. However, I am not sure if my positives list outweighs the negative list.

Let me be honest, I am not in love with my job. It is clearly a job and feels like work. I am going back to work in a way because I feel the need to continue to help support our family financially. I don't know why, but I feel like I need to continue to contribute in that way. I recognize the contribution that I have provided to our family the last few months, but part of me feels guilty not contributing financially as well. I don't really know why.

Maybe it is just mommy guilt, because I also feel guilty going back to work and having someone else take care of my daughter. I feel like I am passing off some of the responsibility in a way. I wonder if I am destined to feel some sort of guilt no matter what decision I make. The guilt definitely has heightened recently as Elena tries to cope and adjust to her new surroundings, etc. She is having a bit of a hard time eating and napping with the nanny. Each bottle is a bit of a battle and nap time is as well. I am hopeful that with time, she will learn, and I can stop feeling so bad. I know how happy she is with me during the days and I am terrified that I am putting her through some trauma that is going to alter her temperament.

Part of me is wishing I had taken another month, part of me realizes this is going to be hard (if not harder) no matter how much time I take. Part of me wants to hold on to my baby girl and never let go. Part of me wants to cry. Part of me wants me to embrace my new role of working mom. Part of me is terrified. But, at least all of me knows that we will get through this. We will get out of the house, start a new routine and have a new way of daily life.

And if all else fails and I truly can't do this, the decision will be made, and I will stay home :)